Issue 19     September  2009

The Think-Feel Alliance

Practice thinking and feeling at the same time. This is especially important when circumstances are challenging and you need to make wise decisions.

Thinking and feeling are natural partners when your head and heart are both engaged. However, when thinking gets disconnected from feeling, one of the functions will dominate and this usually hampers communication, decision-making and overall performance. 

When you think, but don’t feel, you may discount the relevance of feeling, lack depth of understanding and generally fail to connect with what is most important. When you feel, but can’t think, you may become overwhelmed and unable to articulate what is most important. This leaves you vulnerable to being misunderstood and seen as less capable.

Thinking and feeling belong together, no matter what your personality or behavior style may be. But they often get disconnected, especially under stressful circumstances. When stress increases and emotions get supercharged, thinking and feeling almost always split apart.

The goal is to think and feel at the same time, even when circumstances are demanding. This is when you need the think-feel alliance the most.

The think-feel alliance may be a natural partnership, but it may also be an unfamiliar one. The integration of thinking and feeling requires practice, especially in situations where one of the functions dominates.

Daniel for example, tended to be more intellectual in his outlook and was data driven in his day-to-day work. But when faced with highly emotional disagreement from his peers in meetings, he lost his ability to think clearly. He was so overwhelmed with emotion (frustration and feeling misunderstood) that he lost command of the facts and couldn’t articulate his position.

His reaction was to sit silently with arms crossed to hide his brain freeze and agitation. His very red face was a give-away that he was upset. But most people had no idea what he was upset about. They assumed he was pouting.

Daniel’s think-feel challenge was to:

Allow space for his emotions.
Sort out what he was feeling.
Give his emotions an appropriate voice.

Even though it was a challenge, he decided he was tired of not being as effective as he could be. Daniel worked with a coach and as he found his voice, his emotional intelligence and value to his employer gained momentum.

The think-feel situation is different for each person. But in most cases, the above steps are the same. If, like Daniel, you want heightened performance, it’s necessary to find your own emotional-mental balance so that neither activity dominates.

You know that the think-feel alliance is operating when you can feel your thoughts and at the same time, you can think clearly about what you’re feeling. This supports wiser participation in any activity. The result is heightened personal power and ability to lead. Try it. See how it affects your performance.

Action Steps

1. Take time to simply breathe easily and fully. You could also put a hand on your forehead and another hand on your chest or belly as you breathe. This can be very stabilizing if you find yourself upset or off balance.

2. Review the previous week and think of two or three times when you felt disconnected, edgy, agitated or overly emotional. Ask yourself: “Were my head and heart working together?”

3. Focus on a recent time when you responded to a situation in a way that you’re not happy about.

Sorting out what you really think and feel is much easier with help. Professional coaching provides the support to sort out what is most important to you and to learn the skills needed to take effective action. If you know you could be more, connected, clear and powerful than you are right now, give me a call or send me an email. We can talk more about your situation and about how coaching works.